I wanna bring you to show and tell
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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