My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
