omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
