I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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