ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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