a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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