she looked like the bat from fern gully.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
