My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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