Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
