I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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