Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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