i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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