Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
