if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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