I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
