dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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