im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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