I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
