I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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