I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
