so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
