So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
