Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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