I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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