My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
