Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
