sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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