Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
