Betty ford says i'm here all night
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
