I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
