thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
