I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
