I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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