I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
