you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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