sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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