We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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