those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
