now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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