She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
