Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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