i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This baby is an asshole
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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