can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
