I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
