Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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