Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
