you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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