K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
