Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
this just has baby written all over it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
