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• (970): View more from Colorado

  Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....

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• (989): View more from Michigan

  News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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• (424): View more from California

  I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

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• (719): View more from Colorado

  He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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• (904): View more from Florida

  I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

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• (604): View more from British Columbia

  You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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• (865): View more from Tennessee

  He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'

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