Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My balls are so social today.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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