If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
